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27-09-2004
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windowshopping
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 6
You make such a good point here that it really surprised me when I read this.
I made my comment like the first way you had mentioned. At the time, I just was being honest, but I didn't think it was rude to say it didn't match without a little more brown. And even that opinion sounds like it isn't totally straight as I'm seeing people say it's okay to wear brown as well.

To be completely honest, she's my coworker, but we have had a deeper relationship while she was still with her boyfriend. Since she wouldn't leave her man for me, we both struggled to get back to the friend level that was always so cool for us in the first place. It has been a long road and we have fought a lot and I think maybe she tried so hard to not like me anymore that she actually dislikes me which would explain even more so how she could be hypersensitive to any criticism.
As her friend though, I thought I could make that comment. Seeing how you worded things though I can tell I could have done better.
I really appreciate your input as it did help to open my eyes some.

Oh and I didn't really mean that TheSoCalledPrep was insecure although I can see how it would look like that. I meant my friend. Either way, I was seeing it all from my perspective. Someone makes a comment on my clothes, I don't get upset or defensive, I just either agree with them or I don't and I move on.

Quote:
Originally posted by eloes@Sep 26 2004, 03:05 PM
It kind of depends on the situation, how it came up, wtc. My brother, for example, is a very intelligent guy but can be very obtuse sometimes. He tends to have good taste, but I am nearly positive that he would come off as an utter jerk if he were to give his 'advice' on someone's outfit, however correct he may have been. My friend Chris, on the other hand, could give the same person advice about the same thing, but phrase it differently and make it a very nice comment. It's all in how you make the other person feel. If you make the person feel threatened in some way about his/her choice or taste, s/he is more likely to lash out at you in return for what you tohught was friendly advice. Making the person feel good, on the other hand, can make the criticism more acceptable and even appreciated.

For example, if you were to say, "You know, your pants don't quite match your shoes. You probably should have worn black with those colors or added another brown accessory," the advise would be taken in a negative light because the person would perceive it as a criticism of his/her judgement or taste rather than advice. By saying, "Hey, I never would have thought to pair blue clothes with brown shoes. You know what would look great along with that look? A brown handbag" (or something to that effect--approaching it in a positive way), you make the other person feel good because they came up with something new while still adding your two cents. You're still running a risk because she might be extra-sensitive or it still might come off wrong, but it's certainly nicer and less accusatory. My friend Chris once said something like, "You know what would look great with that jacket? Orange" (or something like that, but again--in a really nice way) and it made me think about new color combinations rather than think of any criticism he might have had for my sense of style. I have no idea how you approached your co-worker, but TheSoCalledPrep probably imagined something like the first scenario, which would have offended her, and based her comment on that, so it isn't fair to say that she's insecure.

If you want to get back on good terms (you do work together, after all, and it's always good to avoid office cattiness), I suggest that you apologize to her in a way that doesn't say that you agree with her that you were wrong about the colors, but acknowledges that you're sorry that your comment came off in an offensive way. Maybe, "Look, I'm sorry I offended you with that comment on your clothing. I didn't mean to criticize your taste, I was just trying to give some friendly feedback about your color combination since you care about how you look. You may not agree with my advice, but at least you know I'm honest about what I think." Or maybe that would offend her more. Oh, I don't know. Just ignore this last paragraph and I'll try to leave well enough alone by stopping my loooong page of advice. I hope that it was at least slightly helpful.
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