Glamour, January 2004, p. 102-105
Body Makeovers, Part One: I Gained Weight to Save My Life
By model Crystal Renn
LESS THAN TWO YEARS AGO I WAS A SIZE ZERO MODEL--AND STARVING ALL THE TIME. FINALLY REALIZING THAT MY BODY JUST WASN'T MEANT TO BE SO SKINNY MIGHT BE THE REASON I'M ALIVE TODAY.
BY CRYSTAL RENN, AS TOLD TO MELISSA SONES
PHOTOGRAPHED BY PAMELA HANSON
today I look like an average girl, curvy and happy--not fat but not thin either. But it wasn't always this way; I had to fight hard for the body happiness I have now.
In may of eighth grade, I was discovered by a scout from a New York City modeling agency who told me I could be a supermodel if I lost a lot of weight. At the time I weight 160 pounds. I'd always wanted to get out of Mississippi and move to New York and I couldn't believe I might get a chance to be a high-fashion model!
All I could think about was signing that modeling contract when I turned 16 and moving to the city. I'd plastered my room with pictures of Gisele, Carmen Kass, and Maggie Rizer and focused all my attention on losing as much weight as possible by the time the scout saw me again. By December of my sophomore year, I'd lost 40 pounds and was on a diet of lettuce, fat-free Pringles, fat-free soup and Fiber One Bran Cereal. I pushed myself to do the hardest workouts--swimming, running, intense cardio classes--seven days a week. When the scout saw me that January, I was 115 pounds and had grown an inch to 5'9". He said I was perfect, but it didn't matter to me; I wanted to get skinnier.
I spent every free minute exercising and not eating. My hair started falling out and my skin was so ashen and dry I literally looked like a skeleton. I was seeing black spots, having dizzy spells and feeling really sick. My energy was zilch. Only when I was about to faint would I allow myself a peanut butter cracker. Then I'd go to the gym for four more hours.
Six months later, I was down to 98 pounds and a size zero. I'd just turned 16. On a test shoot for a modeling job in Miami, the sample-size clothes were too big on me; I felt a kind of sick glee that clothes were hanging off me. Even the modeling agency in Miami was concerned with how thin I was, but still, in August my dream came true: I got my GED and graduated high school early, signed a worldwide modeling contract and moved to New York. I was so excited to be living this life, but there was one problem: Even with endless hours of exercise, I was gaining weight. My body just wasn't meant to be so skinny. I cried as I pushed myself to burn more calories and cut back more food--some days I'd eat just 300 calories of lettuce and broccoli.
Then, in July of last year, I was out shopping for books at a Barnes & Noble when I had the scariest moment of my life. I'd eaten only steamed vegetables for the last two days and had just worked out for five hours. Suddenly, I felt like my muscles were crumbling inside me. I couldn't move and thought I was going to pass out. I sat on the floor in the store for three hours before attempting to inch my way home--it took me 30 minutes to go two blocks.
Right then and there I made a promise to myself: If you want to live, you must give up caring about calories. I slowly started eating normally again and cut back on exercising. In the very beginning, I had to fight off the demons that said my stomach should be concave or my thighs shouldn't touch. I reminded myself that getting healthy was all that mattered. Now I'm a size 12, weigh 165 pounds and am a plus-size model. (In the modeling world, anything over a size is considered plus size!) But what's most important to me? I am happy for the first time in more years than I can remember. And I adore my body.
Picture p.102: "then, 5'9", 98 pounds"
"Looking at that photo brings back painful memories," says Renn of the picture, opposite, that shows her at her skinniest. "I remember what I was going through then, physically and emotionally."
Picture p.103: "now, 165 pounds"
Picture p.104: "I have friends who are models who come to me for advice about eating and exercise because they know what I've been through," says Renn. "I tell them, 'Whatever you do, just do it in moderation. You can work out for two hours but you have to fuel your body.'"
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