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Babies: Last Year, Glorified Pillsbury Doughboys -- This Year, the New Birkin Bags
By Kathryn Nyrhtak
Published: July 21, 2006
HOLLYWOOD, California -- They're all doing it. From Britney Spears to Gwenyth Paltrow, A-list celebrities everywhere are snatching up the must have item of the season. Brought to the forefront by such high-profile couples as TomKat, Brangelina, and Bennifer, babies have gone from fugly to fabulous overnight. We asked leading fashion editor Anna Wintour of Vogue magazine to give us the dish in regards to this latest craze: "I predict that babies will stand the test of time. Or at the very least, make it into the fall. That's more than I can say for the last big living accessory fad. Nothing says 'last season' like Mr. Biggles the Chihuahua peaking his head out from a Louis Vuiton signature bag. Sell your pooch to the dog-meat industry in Korea and get a baby -- fast -- unless you like looking pathétiquement pas à la mode (pathetically out of fashion). It's simple. All of today's top designers, from Valentino to Versace, are using babies as the accessory of choice. Whether draped tastefully over the shoulder or dangled loosely from the hip, babies make the perfect addition to couture. Just take a look at the hottest runways in Paris, they're crawling with the bloody things."
So how do you get your hands on of these baby thingies? We asked stylist to the stars Faye Slift, and she had this to say. "I always tell my clients that when they're considering getting a baby, the most important question to ask themselves is 'Will it clash?' While you can make your own, it's extremely risky. You have to wait nine months, and by then the whole trend may be passe. On top of that, you never know how the thing will come out looking. The way I see it, if you want to get one while they're hot, adoption is really the only way to go. The agencies are just super. They'll send photos and everything, so you can coordinate the baby to your sense of style. Like, if you live in California and you're all 'Look at me, I'm blonde and tan and proud of my buttock implants!' then you don't want to go all urban with some dark haired, pale skinned kid. But if you can afford it, I say go the Angelina route and get an assortment. Now that woman really knows how to coordinate a baby to an outfit!"
You may have you noticed that some of your favorite celebrity babies are looking better than ever. Did they hire a new stylist? Did they lose weight? Or, did they have just a little bit of plastic surgery. More and more babies from celebrity couples are getting work done. Plastic surgeons call it "preventative maintenance against the devastating effects of aging." "We live in a youthful culture. Everyone wants to look younger," said Dr. Hackjob, plastic surgeon to the stars, "The stigma of plastic surgery has largely faded, and that has encouraged more infants to consider the investment to improve their appearance. It is seen by many baby owners in the know as the best way to extend the life of their accessory. After all, babies are the thing. Kids, not so much -- they get heavy, awkward, start to want to be sentient human beings and not just accessories. But with a little bit of work here and there and a macrobiotic diet, the usable months can be extended from, say, ten to twelve to thirty-six in the best cases. After that, the best option is to put them in storage -- there are facilities called boarding schools designed specifically for that purpose." Hazel Moder, daughter of actress Julia Roberts, is already pushing the "big two four" -- twenty four months old -- but after Botox and a little bit of liposuction, she doesn't look a day over six months. Can you say hottie with the body?
Other babies have turned to more drastic measures. "It all started after I turned two and surpassed the weight of my mommy. She couldn't even pick me up anymore. My self-esteem hit an all-time low. At first I just wanted to get rid of the baby fat, you know, wobbly thighs, etc. but then I suppose I got a little carried away, what with the food deprivation and the laxatives and the over-exercising and the purging. As a result, my bone growth has stopped and my digestive system has shut down, but at least I can fit into newborn sizes again." Apple Martin, daughter of Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow, has already had a facelift and a tummy tuck. Apple was born weighing a whopping nine pounds, eleven ounces, making the baby girl a prime candidate for an abdominoplasty. "It’s a surgical procedure designed to flatten a protruding abdomen by tightening the muscles in the abdominal wall and removing excess fatty tissue and skin. This procedure can benefit male and female babies. With a little added exercise, these babies can have sexy, rock solid-looking abs!"
Not everyone has bought into this trend, however. Many experts have expressed concern that perhaps some parents decided to have children not because they had an appreciation for human life, but because "Britney Spears made it look fun and easy." With the increased popularity of babies comes need for caution, says Emma Wroids of The National Children's Advocacy Center. "I don't think people realize that with babies comes responsibility. We are talking about living human beings, here. Children aren't Von Dutch trucker hats or Ugg boots, you don't just get one because everyone else is. Things need to be taken into account. They're not just some fad." It should be noted that Mrs. Wroids was wearing a light gray polyester sweatsuit and brown orthopedic loafers and looked rather like an aging hippo at the time of the interview.
We asked celebrity child owner extrordinare Michael Jackson for some advice on what you should know if you, like millions, have bought into the craze that has been sweeping the nation.
What are babies?
"The answer is that no one really knows. Upon acquiring one, poke it repeatedly and see what happens. "
What are babies made of?
"In general, it is thought that babies are comprised of 80% spandex, 20% cotton, but it's to be expected that these sort of things would vary from child to child. Check your baby's care label for specifics. Expensive babies should be dry cleaned, just to be on the safe side."
What should I do with my baby?
"If you have ever cared for a hamster, you will have a good idea of how to look after your baby. They need plenty of fresh water and will appreciate a nice bed of wood chips. Beyond that it's really anybody's guess, though studies do suggest that babies enjoy the haunting music of bagpipes, a wide selection of imported cheeses, and on special occasions, a nice glass of absinthe."
http://www.xanga.com/swimmergirl90/508674358/babies--last-year-glorified-pillsbury-doughboys----this-year-the-new-birkin-bags.html
This is hilarious
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I have to shield my dogs from her piercing screams and grabbing hands.
