The TV Quotes Thread!

[kissmesweet]

We have a thread of Movie quotes... so why don't we have one of television series?

I'll start off.

The world is gonna throw us a million reasons why this isn’t gonna workout between us. But I’m armed with one reason why it will. - Boy Meets World

 

[sirene]

Scully: Have you ever seriously thought about dying?
Mulder: Once, at the Ice Capades.

The X-Files

 

[BadHairDay]

My friend and I are both Buffy freaks and we quote to each other all the time at school!! .....

Willow: "We cant run, that would be wrong. Could we hide??"

Buffy: " Cool, crossbow! Check out these babies. Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality!"

Xander: "Blackmail is such an ugly word.
Amy: I didnt say blackmail!!
Xander: I know, but I'm about to blackmail you so I thought I'd bring it up."

aahh i miss that show.....

 

[Deep Brunette]

All from One Tree Hill:

Lucas 'Luke' Scott: I look like an idiot.
Haley James: Dude, I saw you in your headgear.
Lucas 'Luke' Scott: Don't call me dude. And I thought we promised not to talk about that in public?


Peyton: ok, I am not arguing with you!
Peyton's subconscience: Oh, come on, Peyton that's what we do, OK? We have these inner conversations daily! Am I gonna look stupid? Am I pretty enough? Did Jake just want to get in my pants? Should Lucas be with me, instead of Brooke?
Peyton: No, OK you're wrong. Lucas and I are just friends and Jake loved me.
Peyton's subconscience: Whatever you say, cheerleader... whine, whine, mope, mope, always the victim! My mom died, Jake left, Ellie lied! Boo hoo.
Peyton: You really are a b*tch, you know that?
Peyton's subconscience: I'm not the one who sent Ellie away. People always leave or Peyton always drives them away.

Brooke: This is like dance auditions for "Crap, the Musical."

Brooke: Do you... drink?
Erica Marsh: I do now! Besides, you said I should find other activities!
Brooke: Yeah, but I meant like, pep club. Not... beer bong club.

Brooke: You wanna know what I think? I think Nathan likes tutor girl, tutor girl likes Lucas, and I know I like Lucas, and I have no idea who the hell you like any more so this has been turned into one big love... rectangle plus one... whatever that is!

Brooke: [High on pain killers] Peyton!
[stumbles over to Peyton]
Brooke: This is my best friend in the whole wide world, don't you think she's pretty?
Peyton: What the hell is this?
College Guy: She found some pills... on the floor, just let her sleep it off and she'll be fine, I should probably go.
Brooke: Call me!
[Brooke trips and Haley catches her]
Brooke: Hey what's your name?
Haley James: HALEY...
Brooke: Yeah I don't like that name, let's call you Brooke...
[Haley puts Brooke in the backseat]
Peyton: Thanks... so where are you going now?
Haley James: I was gonna catch the last bus out.
Peyton: It just left...
Brooke: That's perfect! Brooke you can come with us!
[Peyton looks at Haley strangely]
Haley James: Yeah she named me Brooke...
Brooke: Can she come? Please Peyton?
Peyton: Fine, but don't touch the stereo or else we're gonna have a problem!
Brooke: [singing and shaking her pom-poms] We're goin' on a road trip, we're goin' on a road trip...

Peyton: Oh, my God... Brooke, didn't you think to put gas in the car?
[Brooke looks at Haley]
Brooke: Answer the question, Brooke!
Haley James: [gets out of the car] Hey, Peyton, pop the trunk.
Brooke: Peyton, don't listen to her! It might be a trick!
[Peyton pops the trunk anyway]
Haley James: [pulls out a gas can] Great... it's empty! I saw a gas station about a mile down the road, if I'm not back in an hour, tell my mom I loved her.
Brooke: Don't you mean Nathan?
Peyton: I'll go with you.
Brooke: What about me?
[Peyton locks the doors]
Brooke: Peyton... come back! Someone might come...
Haley James: You did remember to crack a window didn't you?
[Peyton and Haley laugh]
Brooke: Come on, you guys, I'm scared!

Brooke: Guess who's in the lobby, I'll tell you. Claire Young and her little hoe posy. We are going down there.
Peyton: Okay. And if an angry dance-off breaks out I got your back.

Dan Scott: How great is this? Dinner together... steaks on the grill... you not punching me...

Charlotte: I mean, what do you do here without cute guys and good parties?
Brooke: [in southern accent] Well, we have a nightly bajo duel and then there's the cousin swap, and on Friday nights we all take baths together!


Peyton: Why don't you just use your cell?
Brooke: My parents put me on this pay-as-you-go thing, and I haven't paid.


Erica Marsh: This is your room?
Brooke: Yeah.
Erica Marsh: It's nice.
Brooke: Well, it was until my parents sold all my stuff including one of the O's in my name, so now I'm officially "Broke Davis"!

 

[kissmesweet]

All from FRIENDS!!!


JOEY: Uh... uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns?
CHANDLER: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?
JOEY: You got a better idea?
CHANDLER: All right, call it in the air.
JOEY: Heads.
CHANDLER: Heads it is.
JOEY: Yes! Whew!
CHANDLER: We have to assign heads to something.
JOEY: Right. Okay, okay, uh... ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
CHANDLER: What kind of scary-*** clowns came to your birthday?

ROSS: A no-sex pact? I have one... with every woman in America.
MONICA: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds!
CHANDLER: Ah, and how many cameras are actually on you?
JOEY: I may only have a couple of drinks in me, but I love you man!
CHANDLER: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.
CHANDLER: You guys all have goals, you all have dreams. I don't have a dream.
ROSS: Ah, the lesser known "I don't have a dream" speech.
CHANDLER: You know what? We're not sad, we're not sad, we're just not twenty-one anymore. You know? I'm twenty-nine years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television, and go to bed at a reasonable hour!
JOEY & ROSS: Yeah!
JOEY: Yeah! And I like to hang out in a quiet place where I can talk to my friends. CHANDLER & ROSS: Yeah!
ROSS: And so what if I like to go home, throw on some Kenny G, and take a bath!
JOEY: We're twenty-nine, we're not women.
CHANDLER: Want some chocolate milk?
ROSS: No thanks, I am twenty-nine.
ROSS: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
JOEY: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that.

</SPAN>geovisit();

 

[kissmesweet]

CSI: NY

Danny: Montana! See a view like this, eh? Beats the wheat fields, no?
Lindsay: Have you ever even seen a wheat field?
Danny: What's to see? It's just wheat.

 

[*Princesse*]

I tried to post too many quotes, but I got logged out before I could post. Here are a few from the one and only Monk, because let's face it, who doesn't love Monk?

[Monk is babysitting a two-year old]
Teresa Crane: Now before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Adrian Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only in smaller portions.
Adrian Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.
Sharona Fleming: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen a comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh, it's kinda
[gestures with hands]
Adrian Monk: ... small. I, I don't have a comfort zone.

Adrian Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.
Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.
Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.
Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a comtemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.

Adrian Monk: Speed dating? No, no, that's like Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk can't help you because well... he's... he's Monk and he's lost in Monkland.

(rememberthat Tony Shalhoub, who plays Monk, also starred in Wings. I love in-jokes.)
Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. It's Tim Daly.
Adrian Monk: Who's Tim Daly?
Sharona Fleming: He's an actor - he was in "Wings."
Adrian Monk: Was it any good?
Sharona Fleming: Well, *he* was.

Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, we can sit here singing show tunes to each other, or we can talk about your sex life.
Adrian Monk: [singing] If ever I would leave you...

 

[kissmesweet]

From Desperate Housewives. The Pilot:

I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that?

 

[StilettosAddict!]

My Name is Earl

Earl: I can't just walk away from the guy.
Randy: Then let's run.


Joy (talking to her two kids, one is white the other is black Y'all stop fighting or I swear to god, I'll slap you so hard, you'll both switch colors.

Randy: eah I'm glad she's not dead no more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, becuz we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being dead...


Grey's Anatomy

Derek Shepherd: [to a patient and r*pist whose victim bit off his penis] I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we managed to stop the bleeding. The bad news is that we gave your penis to the cops.

Addison: Well isn't this cozy. Can I join in or are you not in to threesomes?
Meredith: I have to go.
Derek: Meredith... [to Addison] You really are Satan, you realize that right? If Satan were to take physical form he'd be you, everywhere all the time.
Addison: I am so not Satan.
Derek: How come you haven't gotten on your broomstick and gone back to New York where you belong?
Addison: Stop being petty.
Derek: Stop being an adulterous b*tch.

 

[fashionicon]

GREAT IDEA!!!

Family Guy

Meg Griffin: Dad, how could you be okay with mom parading herself around like this? I'm mean she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad.
Peter Griffin: *sighs* Meg, who let you back in the house?

Peter Griffin: There's only one thing to do - learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.

Stewie Griffin: Chris, whatever happened to Geena Davis? She used to be in movies, but she's not in movies anymore. She's attractive enough but when she smiles you see too much gum. Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio... Chris? Ah, I'll tell you in the morning.

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Stewie (trying to act nice Brian--knock knock!
Brian: This is stupid.
Stewie: Come on--knock knock!
Brian: Okay, who's there?
Stewie: It's Stewie and he's always going to be there for you!

Brian: Hola, me llamo es Brian ... Nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy (Spanish Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak English!
Bellboy (sigh No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy (Spanish Que?

 

[eostre]

Sex and the City;

"One woman´s pornographer is another woman´s spiritual leader".

 

[kissmesweet]

While we're on SATC:

Carrie: Despite the fact that there are over eight million people on the island of Manhattan, there are times you still feel shipwrecked and alone. Times even the most resourceful survivor would feel the need to put a message in a bottle, or on an answering machine.

Carrie: No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.

Charlotte: Oh God, seeing someone for the first time [after you break up] is the worst. You never know how to act.
Carrie: Yeah, and then there's the vomit.

 

[kissmesweet]

Sex and the City:

and...

Charlotte: So how are you?
Carrie: I'm good. How are you?
Charlotte: Great.
Carrie: I told Aidan about the affair and he broke up with me.
Charlotte: Trey and I never had sex on our honeymoon.
Carrie: You win. So. Should we get more coffee or should we get two guns and kill ourselves?

 

[julesrules815]

nice thread hahah

One of my fav quotes from Family Guy:
Lois: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup.
Peter: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian: That's Street Fighter.
Peter: Red, blue, green...
Brian: Those are colors.

 

[I_bend_for_denim]

Sex and the City

Samantha: Who would pass up p*ssy for Porum?

 

[fashionicon]

Strangers With Candy

Jerri Blank: "I hope you're all happy, keeping Alan off the team. Couldn't you, for once, open your minds and hearts and hear something that he couldn't see? I, for one, am glad that Alan is blind, so he can't see what, I am so sad to say, you can't hear."

Cab Driver: When we get this all cleared up, wanna go for another ride in the back of my cab?
Jerri: Are you listening?!? I have a boyfriend!
Cab Driver: Yes or no?
Jerri: Yes.

Jerri Blank: Being a virgin is a wonderful and precious thing to hold on to. As long as it doesn't interfere with your having sex.

Scrubs

Carla: [about a male intern] You're right; he definitely has a cute little butt.
Elliot: It's almost like it's been sculpted.
J.D.: Who cares? Everyone has a cute butt; I have a cute butt.
Carla: You should bring it in someday.

Turk: He was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.
J.D.: Dude!
Turk: Oh, my bad. Not crying, punching the wall all manly and angry like, you know what I mean?

J.D.: I just Marcia Brady'd your ***.
Chris Turk: What the hell are you talking about?
J.D.: Like in the episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets Jan a job, then Marcia gets fired cos they like Jan better...
Chris Turk: Season 5, Episode 3, Marcia gets creamed. Don't ever question me on the Bunch.

Dr. Kelso: [Dr. Kelso just found out Turk cut off the plug of the Pacman machine] I know it was you.
Chris Turk: [waving the plug around] You mean this right here? It's mine from home.
Dr. Kelso: Forty Million, Son. You have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high-score? People died.



J.D.: You think Turk would like it if I started calling him 'my brother'?
Carla: I don't know.
[Turk passes by]
J.D.: Catch you later... my brutha.
Chris Turk: I'll holla.
J.D.: [to Carla] He said, he'll holler...



Elliot: J.D., I really don't wanna do this. Can't we just go home, and put on our PJ's, and watch "Grey's Anatomy"?
J.D.: Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and then just put it on TV.

 

[fashionicon]

Family Guy


Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Peter: (On the phone) Hello, Sally, h-hey, it's Peter Griffin. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah, it's been a while, yeah. So, uh, listen, uh, I just found out I'm ********, and, um, I'm just calling to let you know that, uh, you might want to get yourself tested...Hello?

 

[fashionicon]

Scrubs

(Sorry Scrubs comes on 4 times a day over here.)

Dr. Kelso: You have diabetes?!
Turk: Yeah, I told you that.
Dr. Kelso: I thought it was a joke!
Turk: How is that funny?
Dr. Kelso: Well it's a very serious disease and I don't like you.

 

[kissmesweet]

The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner [9.5]

(Ross and Rachel are locked out of the apartment with Baby Emma inside) Rachel: Oh no! What if she jumps out of the crib! Ross: Yeah, she can barely lift her head up, but yeah, jump. Rachel: Did I leave the faucet running? Ross: Rachel, relax. You did not leave the faucet running. Rachel: I think I left the stove on! Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996! Rachel: Oh no! I left the window of the apartment open and a bird could get in! Ross: Hey, I think you're right! Listen! A pigeon-no, wait, an eagle-has flown into the apartment, landed on the stove and caught fire! Emma leaps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons! Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water. Bird and baby are locked in a death grip swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment! Rachel: ...You are going to be sorry if that's true...

 

[julesrules815]

^haha i loved that part!