The TV Quotes Thread!

[kissmesweet]

Who doesn't?

Ross: Why... why... why would you dream that?
Chandler: More importantly, was I any good?
Rachel: Well, you were pretty damned good.
Chandler: Interesting, because in my dreams, I'm surprisingly inadequate.
Rachel: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.
Ross: I love it when we share.

Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, livin’ in a box!!​

 

[nextnewface]

Veronica Mars

Piz: "A Saturn for a Mars..."
Veronica: "In Neptune! Yeah, the planets are really aligned for this one... now move Uranus, my Mercury's rising!"

Hehe...
​

 

[Zen]

Six Feet Under

Nate: Why do you treat me like sh*t all the time, Brenda?

Brenda: Because I've had a really f*cked-up life and I need sarcasm to hide how ridiculously miserable I am!

 

[kissmesweet]

CSI: NY
Danny: Don't tell me you know a little something about football, please.
Lindsay: Is that so hard to believe?
Danny: No, it's just dangerous. I might ask you to marry me.

 

[LoveMyBoots]

so much of the humor in The Office is unspoken or runs in a scene, rather than in one line, but there are still gems...

Michael: You don’t call ******** people “*******.” It’s bad taste. You call your friends “*******” when they’re acting ********. And I consider Oscar a friend.

Michael: It's simply beyond words. It's incalculable.

Michael: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Dwight: Otherwise it's just malfesance for malfesance's sake.

Kelly: If I can just say, if Ryan is laid off, I will ***********. Like “Romeo and Juliet.” The Claire Danes one.

Michael: Tell him I'll give him the general specifics tomorrow.

 

[FashionJunkie]

House M.D (Of courseheart:


Dr. Cuddy: Is the yelling supposed to scare me? Because it doesn't. The fact you might hurt me does, but I'm pretty sure I could outrun you.
House: Nice ...(Dr House is a cripple)
-----------------------------------------------

House: People don't want a sick doctor.
Dr. Wilson: That's fair enough, I don't like healthy patients.
---------------------------------------------------

House: Would you step outside for a minute, Mr. Adams?
Matt: Why?
House: Because you irritate me
-------------------------------------------------

House: Fine. I'll ask one of my other friends.
Dr. Wilson: Huh.
House: What? Are you saying I've only got one friend.
Dr. Wilson: Who?
House: Kevin. In Bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well first of all, his name is Carl.
House: I call him Kevin. It's his secret friendship club name.
----------------------------------------

Dr. Cameron: There's even books in the bathroom.
House: She's either very smart or has a severe fiber deficiency.
-------------------------------------------------------

House: You probably shouldn’t have sex for a while.
Hailey: For how long?
House: On an evolutionary basis, I’d recommend…forever

 

[kissmesweet]

^^ I love House! (especially with Cameron...)

 

[I_bend_for_denim]

"I'm lucy and this is Ethel" Nicolette (Chloe Sevigny) Big Love

 

[I_bend_for_denim]

"This is classic Tammy" Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

 

[Tinetush]

Sports Night ​

Jeremy: How could it be raining at Indian Wells?
Isaac: Maybe it's the rainy season.
Jeremy: [patiently] Indian Wells is a desert, Isaac. If deserts had a rainy season they'd be called something else.
Isaac: Fair point.​

---

Issac: Dana, the things that I say in my office, stay in my office.
Dana: Natalie's my second-in-command, she's the only one I told.
Natalie: Jeremy's my boyfriend, he's the only one I told.
Jeremy: I told many many people.​

---

Dan: I got to tell you, at this point the length of this conversation is way out of proportion to my interest in it.​

---

Casey: [Reading invitation] “October eighth, nineteen-hundred and ninety-eight A.D.” A.D. They’re worried I might accidentally show up 2000 years before the birth of Christ.​

---

Jeremy: Dana, a very big sports story is happening.
Dana: Jeremy, if a very big sports story was happening, we'd know it.
Jeremy: We do know it, we just don't understand it.​

---

Dan: You didn't see the homerun?
Issac: I was washing my hands--
Dan: Never wash your hands.
Issac: If only you'd been my mother.​

 

[Diamond Star]

From Spaced:

[On Daisy's party decorations]
Brian: I see at as a tribute to Christo, the artist.
Tim: I see it as a waste of Baco, the foil.

Daisy: So who was this girl then?
Tim: Her name was Cassandra, she was a psychic, she gave me her phone number...
[hands Daisy a piece of paper]
Daisy: That's OUR phone number.
Tim: Man, she's good.

Brian: I see my ex girlfriends. Well, not so much "see" as "watch"...

Daisy: Do you want another cup of tea?
Tim: Ooh, no thanks, twelve's my limit.

Twist Morgan: Daisy. Don't you look nice? Bit of a midriff show. Big's in this season. Good for you.

Brian Topp: Do you think I should lose the waistcoat.
Tim: I think you should burn it. 'Cause, y'know, if you lose it, you might find it again.

Daisy: Colin's gone.
Tim: What?
Daisy: He went next door.
Tim: Oh, Daisy. I'm sorry. How did that happen?
Daisy: He walked.
Tim: Right, right. Sorry. My mum used to use "going next door" as a euphemism for being dead.
Mike: Whoa. Does that mean my rabbit's dead?
Tim: It's been 18 years Mike, where did you think he was?
Mike: [sobbing] Next door!

Vulva: [noticing Brian at the after-show party] Oh Brian, you came!
Brian: No, I just spilt my drink.

Brian's Mum: Oh, Brian, your dad and I don't care what you do as long as you're not gay.

 

[fashionicon]

"This is classic Tammy" Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

I miss that show!

The Office
Toby: We're not all gonna sit in a circle Indian style, are we?
Michael Scott: Get out. No this is not a joke. It was offensive and lame, so double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.

Michael Scott: ...some burritos or some colored greens or some pad thai.
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael Scott: What?
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael Scott: That doesn't make sense. You don't call them 'collard people'... that's offensive.

Michael Scott: When I retire, I don't want to just move to some island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives it all back. I want it to be like, 'Hey... who donated that hospital wing that's saving so many lives?' 'I don't know. It was anonymous.' 'Well, guess what. It was Michael Scott.' 'But how do you know? It was anonymous.' [pause] 'Because I'm him.'

Michael Scott: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

Michael Scott: Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirls' outfit? I mean it is hot, it is sexy and it turns him on and I will admit- best part of my morning is staring at it. But what are we just going to take it away?
Stanley: That is my daughter, she goes to Catholic girls school. I'm taking it down right now.

Michael: [picks up a dumbbell] Why don’t we pump some iron. Anybody wanna pump up?
Jim: What is that, like, 5 pounds?
Michael: It’s two and a half. I’m not going for bulk, I’m going for tone.

Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
Michael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn’t you? Skeevy little perv.
Toby: Alright, if you’re having a relationship with your superior you must disclose it.
Michael: No, no, no I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that – just two like-souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough? Weirdo?

 

[fashionicon]

so much of the humor in The Office is unspoken or runs in a scene, rather than in one line, but there are still gems...

Michael: You don’t call ******** people “*******.” It’s bad taste. You call your friends “*******” when they’re acting ********. And I consider Oscar a friend.

Michael: It's simply beyond words. It's incalculable.

Michael: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Dwight: Otherwise it's just malfesance for malfesance's sake.

Kelly: If I can just say, if Ryan is laid off, I will ***********. Like “Romeo and Juliet.” The Claire Danes one.

Michael: Tell him I'll give him the general specifics tomorrow.

 

[~Fashionista~]

Sex and the City:

I'm thinking balls are to men, what purses are to women. It's just a little bag but we'd feel naked in public without it.

The only thing I've ever successfully made in the kitchen is a mess. And several small fires

Charlotte: I proposed to myself.
Carrie: What?
Charlotte: Yes. I suggested he have a tomato salad, then I suggested we get married.
Carrie: Wait. What exactly did he say?
Charlotte: All righty.
Carrie: All righty? He said all righty? Now I'm thinking the upsetting thing isn't that you proposed, it's that you proposed to a guy that says "all righty".
Charlotte: Oh, Carrie, stop.
Carrie: All righty.

Samantha: My name's Samantha and I'm a loveaholic.

Samantha: f*ck me badly once, shame on you. f*ck me badly twice, shame on me!

 

[fashionicon]

More from The Office

Michael Scott: I am a victim of a hate crime. I think Stanley knows what I’m talking about.
Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael Scott: Well I hated it! A lot!

Michael Scott: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. Could be done out of hate, could be done out of love. It could be comletely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And well she doesn't do a very good job obviously because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.

Michael: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special. Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, “Yo, that’s shizzle”. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well shame on you.

Michael: There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy and I grabbed one. And it fit. So I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.

Michael: Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.

 

[julesrules815]

I love The Office! Michael is a total idiot sometimes, but so funny!

 

[Al3ksandra]

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

Mary Alice: Yes, each new day brings with it a new set of lies. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves right before we fall asleep. We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy, or that he's happy. That we can change, or that he will change his mind. We persuade ourselves that we can live with our sins, or that we can live without him. Yes, each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate, desperate hope that come morning - it will all be true.

 

[kissmesweet]

From Friday Night Lights: Clear Minds. Full Hearts. Can't lose.

 

[fashionicon]

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

[on abortions]
Mac: It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Sweet Dee: Is he jo...? is that... are you... joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two... verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good...
Sweet Dee: Breath in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.

Dennis [after witnessing Mac kiss his Mom at her front door]: Oh my God! Ohhh...
Charlie: Yeah...thats a terrible thing...a terrible thing for you to see that.
Dennis: I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him!
Charlie: Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do? Punch him in the face? Throw him? Maybe work the body a little?
Dennis: I was gonna...
Charlie: No no no, thats not gonna help. Thats not gonna help and I'll tell you why: It doesn't unbang your Mom.

Frank: I did not go to Vietnam and watch a lot of good men die just for scum like you to take away my freedom!
Sweet Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993... to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

 

[julesrules815]

haha that show sounds funny!