My satire for English class, hope you like it!
New Test Designed by Scientists to Lower Obesity Rate
PHILADELPHIA, PA—After billions of dollars spent and years of research, scientists may have discovered a new way to bring down the rate of obesity in America and it won’t require dieting or exercise.
“We may have finally have an answer to why American citizens are rapidly becoming more and more uh…curvy,” said Dr. Matthew Goldman, a research associate at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in a press statement yesterday. “With obesity rates rising fast among our country’s children and young adults, we feel a responsibility to come up with some form of a cure for this disease quickly so these youngsters can live a happy, normal life.”
Many obese Americans have increasingly become annoyed with the medical community for not quickly finding a cure for their disease.
“I became obese three years after my twentieth wedding anniversary,” says forty-seven year old Patsy Witherspoon from Mobile, Alabama. “It’s been really hard for me to deal with. My husband didn’t understand until he caught obesity two years later. Sometimes we sit on the couch and watch television for hours for any news of a breakthrough.”
Goldman’s methods are really quite simple. Last year, Goldman and his co-worker, Franz Scheft, were looking at Flair magazine during their lunch break when Goldman noticed a self-assessment test for alcoholism in the middle of one of the pages. For kicks, Goldman and Scheft both took the test, but then, as the two recalled over coffee and peanut butter cookies at Starbucks, the two realized that this type of “do-it-yourself” medical exams might help them lower obesity rates. Scheft says the way that this test will do that is simple. “We have found that the test we have created to determine obesity will actually help lower obesity rates by allowing people to test themselves in the privacy of their own homes. Usually people respond more to something when they find it out themselves and that’s what we hope this test will do.”
Last month, Goldman and Scheft put their test into the teen magazine, Cutie, to see how readers would respond to it.
“This test-thingy was like a total lifesaver,” says Alison Green, a twelve year-old reader of Cutie from Las Vegas. “I, like, never knew why I liked jelly donuts more than the other girls, but now I, like, totally do.”
The test Goldman and Scheft have designed rates obesity sufferers’ emotions about food on a scale of one through five. Several questions are psychologically based, challenging test takers to determine whether their obesity is caused by inner demons or childhood torments. One question asks, “How often do you go to the supermarket and eat the food in your cart before you’ve gotten to the register?” Although these questions may seem silly to some, others say that they’re just what they need to break their addiction. Obesity sufferer, thirty-six year old Thomas Harlow says, “Before I took this test, I was tired, dejected and fat. Now, I feel happy with myself because I finally know why my body is like this. I can now live my life without fear.”
Goldman and Scheft’s test is set to enter the consumer market in approximately two months, where it will be available in supermarkets, movie theaters and all-you-can-eat buffets. Scheft says he hopes the test will receive a warm reception.
But he says,” We can hope though, you know? We’ve put our hearts into this endeavor and we can only pray that it helps these people who so desperately need it.”
Anyway I'd love to meet some other writers!!
writing! 
), so I don't have a chance...it'd be fun to try, though...
