How to deal when others disapprove?

[Meg]

I am just throwing this thread out there (and in fact we may have something similar, but this isn't about materialism or filling a void, but i might have missed something). Just wondering when others ask, how do you justify what you have bought?

I am debating between a bag and a pair of shoes (both in the 500 pound range) and asked my housemates for their thoughts. The bag is more practical, the shoes, maybe more special. I would never outright say to someone 'this is how much i spent on this' but when people pester you or find how much something costs and then deride you for it, how do you deal?

I don't believe buying expensive, well crafted or possibly slightly frivolous items makes one a bad person. If you are passionate about something and want to spend money on it, i believe it's a personal decision. And it doesn't make you right wing to do so (which seems to be my housemates answer to everything ). I've suggested that just as he spends money on music, i spend on clothes. But when people keep attacking you for it, what do you do? Ignore them?

Just thought this could be a place where we share thoughts and experiences on dealing with others who disapprove.

 

[tangerine]

It's funny how many people (including me) can justify their own pet habits, and disapprove of others'. For instance, I don't understand why someone would want an SUV, a jet ski, a snowmobile and an ATV, but some people collect such items. I try to pretend to be tolerant and not argue with them about it.

I tend not to let people know what I have spent on clothes or ask their opinions on items unless I know they are similarly inclined, because people just don't understand if they have not been bitten by the same bug.

 

[softgrey]

frankly...many of my friends spend more than i do...
so i don't come across it too often...

 

[mellowdrama]

I lie about the cost of things. I say things are used that are not. I credit discounters like Loehmann's for incredible, non-existent prices. "Oh, this schmatte? I was rag-picking at Thrift Town!" Then, to be perverse, I'll say something truly worthless was exorbitantly priced.

If you've got a roommate who thinks you're a consumerist devil, then don't even defend yourself. I'd say become more prodigal and ostentatious. Champagne and caviar and pate, baby. Say the purse cost a 1,000 pounds, one Third-World baby, and a black rhino horn. If you're American and your roommate's British, there's no way you're going to win any points with your sincerity, anyway. Lie.

 

[Kora]

Great Thead!!!!
First of all, you don't need to justify anything, and if someone is unintelligent enough to ask how much you paid for something, you shouldn't hide or lie about the price.
Secondly.....dont ever try to feel bad about what you buy, or how much you spend on something!!!! if you can affort it do it! just because the other people's monthly salary is what one would pay for a bag or a pair of shoes,that should not make you feel bad, and tell them to get busy working!!!!

You had hit it on the 10 with this thread. I get that all the time, from all kinds of people, but never from the ones that can afford it! so there is your answer Lets all go out and buy ourselfs apair of EXPENSIVE shoes

 

[Deleted member 82231]

I am an American living in London, and I get this very badly.

Everyone wants to know how much I pay in rent (WTF?) How much x cost, how much was z, where did you get y?

My parents have always instilled in me that such talk is vulgar and to be avoided...maybe it is a cultural differece?

Anyway, I tend to be so tacken aback, that I jst blurt out the truth ("uhh.....well....it cost £___")

I have heard these solutions.

-Make up a crazy price, i.e. a shirt cost 4p or £15,000,000. Hopefully said person will get a hint.
-Say you don't remember.
-Say you can't discuss money, sorry.
-Say you would be happy to foward the bill to said person.
-Say it was a gift.

Or as Nancy Regan taught us, Just say no.

Good luck. I should take my own advise.

 

[allegra]

I don't know when people started thinking it was OK to ask such invasive questions. I was always taught it's rude to ask how much something cost.

The SUV which Tangerine mentioned is a good example. One can get a perfectly good car for well under $20K USD, for instance, so anything one could spend on a pair of shoes is nothing compared to the inexpensive car vs. the ostentatious SUV (which also hogs gas and dirties the air we all breathe).

 

[voodoo_mary]

i live in singapore. and it is not just in London where u get the intrusive almost vulgar questions about the cost of everything u own... sometimes, i am even asked about my salary... lets not even talk about friends... even acquaintances feel that i am obliged to answer questions about my bonus, my annual income, the price of my wedding ring, the price of my dress and shoes... and it goes on. i dont need to justify or satisfy their curiosity. and i think these questions are asked cos people have different spending habits...
i have friends who will splurge on handbags, but will eat tea and biscuits for lunch... and friends who splurge on food, but will never spend on clothes and accessories. and my husband, who will buy all kinds of car parts but will only change his jeans when they are falling to pieces..

i like to respect other people's preferences as long as they respect mine. and i think money is meant to be enjoyed, not justified.
when peoiple ask me where and how much, i just say i got it online and i paid what it cost.

like Softgrey, alot of my friends spend alot more than i do... damn lawyers and bankers with too much money....

 

[allegra]

I wish I had the nerve to say "none of your business," but I've never been able to do it!

 

[ilaughead]

I usually just say something to the effect of "enough" or "a bit", but I think it would be funny to answer with an equally inappropriate question like how much their house costs or rent is.

 

[Meg]

Thanks for all the responses. Tang, I think you are right, no point asking for people's opinions on things when they just don't care or think it's 'wrong'. Everyone spends money on things they are passionate about, I just don't like it when people turn around and judge you because you bought clothes, where as they buy cd's or a guitar or something.

 

[tott]

^ Exactly. There's this guy I used to work with who spent hundreds and hundreds on CDs, concerts and other music-related stuff every month... Once I saw him in *rage* when he couldn't find a pair of black trousers under 25...!

 

[Meg]

oh tott. That brought such a smile to my face.

 

[PrincessProzac]

I find that a simple "Dont you think its incredibly vulgar to discuss money?" usually shuts them right up

 

[Meg]

But what if it's people you know and they already know what you earn, what debts you have, etc. etc.? Like family members or something?

 

[softgrey]

maybe some people are genuinely concerned about your financial well-being...
esp if they are friends and/or family...?
i know it can be annoying but it's not always done for malicious reasons, you know?..

i have one particualr friend who dug herself all the way into debt...
and i would always talk her out of certain stuff she wanted to buy...
but she would sneak back and buy it when i wasn't there...!!...

finally we had to stop going shopping together because she was upsetting me so much...and she ,frankly, didn't want to hear me scolding her...

which sucked- cause we used to love shopping together...

but one day she woke up and realized that she was not doing herself any favours and resolved to put herself on a budget and get out of debt...
she's doing much better now...
and we can hang out much more now too!!...

 

[Meg]

oh thats good softie. A good shopping buddy is genuinely hard to find. No no, I'm aware of savings and all that and I am definately not a compulsive shopper. It's more when people say 'this is ridiculous you trying to justify a purchase of a bag you don't even need. Who spends that much on bags? You already have a bag anyway' that is aggravating.

 

[tifa]

I lie about the cost of things. I say things are used that are not. I credit discounters like Loehmann's for incredible, non-existent prices. "Oh, this schmatte? I was rag-picking at Thrift Town!" Then, to be perverse, I'll say something truly worthless was exorbitantly priced.

If you've got a roommate who thinks you're a consumerist devil, then don't even defend yourself. I'd say become more prodigal and ostentatious. Champagne and caviar and pate, baby. Say the purse cost a 1,000 pounds, one Third-World baby, and a black rhino horn. If you're American and your roommate's British, there's no way you're going to win any points with your sincerity, anyway. Lie.

haha! Love it!

Some people just don't think clothes and other such items are worth the money. I often think like that myself. My friends also spend a lot of money on cds, dvds etc and find it weird I spend a bit on clothes (which I don't compared to a lot of people). One of my best friends has over 400 dvds, I find this as scary as having as many shoes.

What I'm trying to say is everyone has their vices, we probably find it odd that one person will spend a lot of money on a certain thing just because we don't understand it.

 

[Elegance.Is.Refusal.]

if its your money and your not landing yourself in debt buying it then why should they care.... or atleast thats my opinion and what i tell other people.

 

[snowqueen]

I can honestly say non of my friends have made a major deal out of it .. in fact i would even go as far to say some of them are jeleous .. ok i sounded really big headed then but i didnt mean it like that. A few of my guy mates are like omg you shop so much etc. but its all in good fun.. no one has ever said anything in a nasty way etc. I was always brought up never to talk ab out money, that it was rude etc.
The only people who have ever mentioned the ammount i spend were some of my mothers friends.

It was so horrible they were asking me what i wanted to do at uni and i said fashion one of the ladies got very snobby with me and was all like why dont you get a carrier like the other girls from school, a solicitor or dorctor etc. ?? then she went on a big rant about how she saw me walk past her house (she is also a neighbor as well as family friend) everyday ladden with shopping bags.

She went on about this for a good ten minutes etc. to which my mother just turned around and said, she isnt harming anyone, she could be doing drugs, gambling or something.

MY mum turned around and said my daughter knows more facts about fashion etc. then the ammount of facts you would need to know for a law or medicine degree etc. She has an amaizing head for facts, something which i admire her so much for, fashion is ever changing, law etc. very rarely changes. Also style is something you cant learn, and i like to nurture my childrens talents, like you encorage your children to play and instroment or lanuages etc.

and then they never ever mentioned it again

an other time an other one of her friends commited on it.. my mother just turned around and said .... she feels sorry for the sales assistant she loves to give them the commission.. that also shut her friend up lol

an other time an other family friend.. who just so happens to be a hopeless snob, she has some title in her name and probally thinks of ehr self as "upper class" mentioned it and my mother turned around and said .. dicussing money etc. very lower middle class dont you think ??... this poor woman was mortified lol i think that was the bigest insult my mum could have given her lol