If much of Milan is to be believed there are essentially two sartorial choices for women come next winter. Well, for those excused leave from the set of a remake of a mid 60's Audrey Hepburn film or a period drama: one either channels an eight year old schoolgirl or her fifty-something matronly aunt.
Surely though DonnaKane (Donnacaine - as in some imagined prescription sedative) would offer something that a modern young woman might actually look like a modern young woman in; something not quite so restrained retro; something with a bit of zip, edge and sex appeal.
We opened with Ms Groeneveld (let's adopt the stiff formality or school roster call mentality of it all) in a sombre greyblack jacket-dress which had undoubtedly made it's escape from Jil Sander AW10/11.
By look 5 in any other season Versace and Kane would be summoned to the headmasters office on a charge of being last fall derivative. Look 2 had cinched in the waist with some sort of boning stolen from corsetry which by look 3 had morphed into a sheer panel with omg a black leather upper. In 4 the black leather had migrated to the skirt, in 5 skinnies and coat. Remember black leather so ubiquitous for AW10/11; remember skinnies (remember anything that wasn't a dress); remember waist and bust; remember a Milan which not so long ago actually produced looks that were sexy. We cared not if this seemed stuck in the tropes of last fall, it was somehow what we desired - to be able to imagine AW 11/12 in Milan had never happened.
But wait. Those skirt shapes. Primly to the knee, neither A-line nor pencil, so non-descript you'd barely notice them and in look 3 in school uniform grey. It foretold what was to follow.
By look 5 already we had to bare a vaguely ski-ish jumper so moribund in it's mishapenness and middle-of-the-road-ness that it seemed not Versus but something a middle aged geography teacher picked up at M&S 20 years ago. Ditto 6 but this time the whole of it's one-too-many-washes horribleness on full display.
7 and 8 a bit of AW11/12 sparkle but the silhoettes, hemlines and moribund hosiery of a suburban schoolmaam. This was Versus? Surely not.
9 aped Jil Sander AW10/11 again and 10 a sort of greatest hits of recent Prada at her most matronly. (The alpine-esque apron waist standing away from the body was at least something a little less suburban)
By 17 (through 22), whilst a glittery triangle motif was trying to distract us and hemlines were flirting a little, it was here in the silhouette. The smock/tunic/pinnafore dress which we couldn't decide was it school uniform or maiden aunt but we knew in it's yawnsome indistinctness AW11/12 Milan was here.
The 4 looks that closed attempted to pull all the themes together and can be seen as a little toward that prim and pervy note that Kane is so fond of chiming. But I remained wholly unconvinced. Something was lacking. A puzzling end to a puzzling collection in a puzzling Milan season where nothing has seemed quite right.
It makes you wonder if Dean and Dan will send out a bunch of grey sack dresses tomorrow morning. Milan gone costume drama/ twee innocent/ dowdy matron. Whatever next. Oh - thank Christ - Paris.