Jessica & Nick... Split!

[softgrey]

Originally posted by stylegurrl@Sep 21 2004, 03:13 PM

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heh...heh...

 

[plasticine20]

I can't understand why anyone would really want them to divorce; that's sad. I don't particularly care for them or the show, but I wouldn't want them to go through that.

 

[nycgirl84]

I don't believe a word of this.

 

[Luna]

I don't believe it either. Nick would never say that about anyone.. he's too nice.

 

[hotpinky]

Oh gosh!! this is HILARIOUS!! it's a little old, but definitley worth the laugh

HOLLYWOOD -- After watching the entire first season of MTV’s “Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica,” Los Angeles Superior Court Justice Clifford Turner has granted a pre-emptive divorce to Nick Lachey from his wife, Jessica Simpson.


The ruling is believed to be the first time that a court has ever approved a divorce before either married party files in court.

“I was visiting my daughter and she explained that she had an entire season of this show on her TiVO that I just had to see,” Justice Turner explained. “After watching the details of Mr. Lachey and Ms. Simpson’s married life, I felt that out of a basic respect for human rights, I had to get Nick out of there.”

He added, “This is the slow season for divorces anyway, so I figured I might as well get some inevitable future work out of the way now.”

According to legal experts, Justice Turner’s decision, while groundbreaking, makes perfect sense, as the first season of “Newlyweds” has all the elements of a successful divorce case on the rarely cited grounds of “irreconcilable intellects.”

“I don’t know if those producers have experience in divorce law, but this season was the most brilliant plaintiff’s presentation I’ve ever seen,” said Sander Abelson, a professor of law at Washington University. “The episode where she brought her Louis Vitton bag camping would cinch it for any judge in his or her right mind.”

Abelson added that a montage of quotes from Simpson, including her inquiry as to whether Chicken of the Sea is fish or chicken, her purchase of two bras and two panties for $750 without looking at the price tags, and her assertion upon being served buffalo wings that “I don’t eat buffalo” would surely win Lachey control of the vast majority of the couple’s assets as well as generous alimony.

The law for “irreconcilable intellects” states that a couple must be of such disparate intelligences that they are literally incapable of understanding each other’s decisions. Kenneth Tyre, a psychologist and expert on intelligence, said that the law has previously only been utilized once before, in the case of a Nobel laureate married to someone who received severe brain trauma in a car accident, but that Lachey and Simpson were a perfect fit for the statute.

“It’s not that Nick’s exactly a genius,” observed Tyre. “We’re talking about a guy who moved heavy furniture into his house over a ladder and who, more fundamentally, chose to marry Jessica Simpson and air their marriage on national television. But research shows people judge intelligence based on comparisons to those around them, which is why Nick Lachey has already been offered admittance to Mensa.”

An MTV representative declined to comment on the judge’s ruling, but said to look out for an unspecified show the network will be producing next year in conjunction with Court TV.

 

[BBabe]

I think the story of them divorcing is bogus. Only because the trip they referred to was the VMA in Miami, and from all photos - they were together 24/7 and looked pretty happy. I like them as a couple. They are not the "quick" divorcing type. Her Dad is a former preacher, and still very close to church, so they'd probably do tons of church therapy first.

 

[Kimkhuu]

I don't think it's true!

 

[Bonchic]

sorry kinda sounds like the same person that wrote the David and Posh story wrote this

 

[LadyIllusion]

I think this story is a load of 'donkey-fluff' it sounds so fake and made up, that judge needs to get a life, who is he to be giving people 'pre-divorce' without them asking? what a joke maybe the media is trying to stir something up, i hope they dont succeed. :innocent:

 

[scandinavianchic]

I hope this isn't true!

 

[cocomonkey]

i somewhat believe this, if they were a normal couple then maybe this wouldn't be a big deal and probably work, but they got camera all on them for teh show and all of a sudden the press is breathing down jessica simpson's neck and nick is always kinda to the side in terms of publicity and jessica is stupid enough to keep playing up the dumb blonde ditzy part for the cameras and i wouldn't blame Nick if he felt somewhat soffucated and tiring of her dumb ways. i'm not wishing for any bad things to happen to their marriage but I can see how their nmarraige is in troubles.

 

[SophieKawaii]

"I play the stupid girl in the real life too. It's also only a role, but guys love it."
(Jessica in hungarian Cosmopolitan October)

I don't think all guys do so...

 

[TheSoCalledPrep]

Originally posted by sugarpea+Sep 21 2004, 10:56 AM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(sugarpea @ Sep 21 2004, 10:56 AM)</div><div class='quotemain'>true, her talent wont help keep them afloat...but that chest may help out a little

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<!--QuoteBegin-softgrey@Sep 21 2004, 03:10 PM
...WHAT...?!?!?!?...you mean audible belching and farting in public isn't the way to keep a man???!!!???!!?.....i'm flabbergasted...!!!

what do these men want from us... ...isn't it enough that we spray ourselves with toxic fake tan everyday...glue synthetic hair on our heads...and glue low cut tops to our half exposed breasts with toupe tape...??!!???...all the while teetering on a shoe which is not much more than a nail with a couple of straps to hold it on...

you mean we actually have to have a PERSONALITY and A BRAIN too...gaahh!!!
that's just too much for my tiny head to take...

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[*DrAma*]

He doesnt need to say it, EVERYONE knows what hes thinking when she says dumb things.

 

[steeltoe]

i somewhat believe this, if they were a normal couple then maybe this wouldn't be a big deal and probably work, but they got camera all on them for teh show and all of a sudden the press is breathing down jessica simpson's neck and nick is always kinda to the side in terms of publicity and jessica is stupid enough to keep playing up the dumb blonde ditzy part for the cameras and i wouldn't blame Nick if he felt somewhat soffucated and tiring of her dumb ways. i'm not wishing for any bad things to happen to their marriage but I can see how their nmarraige is in troubles.

Totally agree. I'm not surprised, actually (if they are).

 

[Misako]

I'm so very amused at the judge article...It reminds me of the David and Posh one, but in this case, I'm more amused than annoyed - I really dislike Jessica...lol.

 

[SophieKawaii]

Originally posted by Misako@Sep 27 2004, 04:21 PM
I'm more amused than annoyed - I really dislike Jessica...lol.

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Me too Chickenskin!

 

[brian]

Originally posted by softgrey@Sep 21 2004, 02:10 PM
...WHAT...?!?!?!?...you mean audible belching and farting in public isn't the way to keep a man???!!!???!!?.... ...i'm flabbergasted...!!!

what do these men want from us... ...isn't it enough that we spray ourselves with toxic fake tan everyday...glue synthetic hair on our heads...and glue low cut tops to our half exposed breasts with toupe tape...??!!???...all the while teetering on a shoe which is not much more than a nail with a couple of straps to hold it on...

you mean we actually have to have a PERSONALITY and A BRAIN too...gaahh!!!
that's just too much for my tiny head to take...

 

[slit skirt]

johnny knoxville was on howard stern this week and he took a lie detector test answering some questions about jessica, nick, willie nelson etc. I'm not totally confident in 'lie detector' science but these answers are still fun, and funny....

"FACT OR FICTION?

Johnny Knoxville dropped in to talk about his new movie, “The Dukes of Hazzard,” but Howard was more caught up in the rumors he’d been hearing about Johnny. According to some reports, Johnny had an affair with his costar, Jessica Simpson. Johnny denied the affair. Howard asked
http://www.howardstern.com/rundown.php#
him to take a lie-detector test to prove he was telling the truth, but Johnny didn’t want to do it. Howard didn’t understand how someone who agreed to get his balls tasered was afraid of a lie-detector test, and thought this proved he was lying. Howard had lie-detector expert, Ed Torian come in to talk about his credentials, and Johnny finally agreed to the test.

Once he was set to go, Johnny asked if alcohol and amphetamines could affect the outcome of the test. Ed said they could and that he’d take that into consideration. These were the questions Ed asked and the answers Johnny gave:
• Is your real name Johnny? Johnny said yes, but that was a lie. He was actually given the first name Philip.
• Are you married? Johnny said yes, and he was truthful

• Are you happily married? Again, Johnny said yes, and again he was truthful.

• Did you have sex with Jessica Simpson? Johnny denied this, and he was truthful.

• Did you tongue-kiss Jessica Simpson? Johnny said no, but that may be a lie.

• Do you think Jessica Simpson’s an idiot? Johnny said no, but that was a lie.

• Have you ever pleasured yourself thinking of Jessica Simpson? Johnny said no, but that was a lie.

SMOKING UP WITH WILLIE
Howard wanted to know what it was like on the set of “The Dukes of Hazzard.” Johnny said it was great. He said Burt Reynolds told the best stories and that he went around hugging everyone all the time. He also said Willie Nelson was the sweetest. Johnny smoked weed with him on a couple of occasions, but he had to limit the number of times he did it because the pot Willie had was potent and Johnny was afraid he’d forget his lines. However, no matter how much Willie smoked he never missed a beat.

A ONE-WOMAN MAN
Howard had read that Nick Lachey confronted Johnny during the shooting of the movie about his relationship with Jessica, but Johnny said that didn’t happen. Howard also brought up that Johnny’s been linked to both Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan recently. Johnny insisted that he and his wife are happily married and that he’s been faithful to her throughout their relationship. He added that he does flirt, but he never takes it further than that. "

http://www.howardstern.com/rundown.php

 

[Golden_butterfly]

I won't believe it until a publicist makes an announcement.