When I look at pictures of my childhood and adolescence I can see I didn´t look so bad, but I felt awful, I felt not only ugly, but without any hope of redemption.
I grew up in a home with strict rules. My mom didn´t allow fancy clothes or visits to the hairdresser. No stuff for my zits (only alcohol or medicinal stuff)-High heels were absolutely forbidden.
She didn´t wear makeup (except for a bright red lipstick I hated) so I wasn´t allowed to wear lip gloss, or pluck my quite bushy eyebrows, no mascara, no glittery stuff: NOTHING) There was NO blowdrier in my house.
Nothing fancy like perfume was allowed for me until I was well into my teens.
I went to a very posh catholic school (I don´t know why really, maybe because it was close to my house and my parents liked it, definitely not my choice).
There I was surrounded by the wealthiest and most gorgeous girls you can imagine, always dressed to the last trend. I remember this girl who travelled to Italy and always wore Fiorucci cords, she had them in every colour and the most amazing collection of super cool boots.
She had long blond hair and she started having highlights and blowdries when she was 14, so she looked like a model.
She looked exactly like Elaine Irwing...enough said
Me, I looked like a dork in my ill fitting jeans and TARTAN SKIRTS!!!
Gee! This is highly emotional!
I remember having nightmares when parties were announced, because I had to plan for days and days about how could I combine my ugly old fashioned clothes to look halfaways decent.
So it´s not that I was ugly but I always dressed absolutely OUT of any fashion trend.
Now I can see that my mum dressed me quite classically, little floral and smock dresses when I was a girl, tartan skirts with loafers and montgomery coats when I was a teen, but anyhow, a looked absolutely wrong compared to the other girls.
I embodied the very definition of geekness.
I had no say whatsoever on my clothes until I was like 15 or 16 so, I longed for the clothes everybody had (cowboy boots, baggy high waisted jeans in stupid washes, neon colours, etc...Hey it was the eigthies!)
In a way I can see now that my mum saved me from a lot of those stupid trends, but it made me feel like an outsider at school, parties, etc.
Later, when I rebelled in my late teens I did a lot of stupid things to my hair (poodle perms, ugly haircolor, etc) and I wore every stupid trend that came out. You name it. Huge shoulder pads, did them. Punkish fringe with long permed hair, also did it.
I really cringe when I see pictures of that phase, but I also remember how great I felt enjoying my freedom, and being myself for the very first time.
After the rebellious phase, I preety much became a quite well dresser
(or I least I like to think that), but still deep in my heart I know what is to be the dorky girl in the ugly itchy trousers, oversize salmon v-neck jumper, and the stupid loafers.
I consider myself an ugly duckling at heart.
Not to long ago I was talking to somebody I knew quite recently, and when she knew I went to that posh catholic school, she said "That´s preety obvious...You must have been one of those cool girls".
I said nothing, but I though to myself
..."If you just knew...the cool girls didn´t know I existed...they didn´t even talk to me..."
So I guess I have evolved.
Not into a swan, because I still love my goofy side, but into a person who doesn´t stand out as the uncool-ugly girl. I like to dress up, and I think I know what flatters me and what I have to avoid.
Anyhow, I have a natural tendency to befriend the uncool girls and women better than the cooler ones, because, at heard, I still feel part of their team.
Oh well
Men are there if you want to love them , you don't need them. 
",like it was some sort of compliment.There was really nothing wrong with my face except the pimples.I kept trying to find something to get rid of them but nothing worked so I just gave up on the whole idea of looking good,I didn`t take care of my hair(I have long thick hair which tends to get frizzy so it looked great after I combed it but as soon as I left the house it started to frizz up and look like a mop)and started to eat to make myself feel good which in time helped me get a couple of extra pounds,not many but I already had a shaky self-esteem.I developed social phobia because I was worried that people might look at my face and I hated going out,a simple walk to school was torture for me.After I started using foundation I felt better,now I realized it didn`t cover much but it gave me a sense of security, I could walk straight and not keep my head down.Gradually I started to take better care of myself,my skin got better,my attitude got better and I feel good.I`m still not as outgoing as I would like to but I`m still a work in progress.For some reason I look arrogant and people think that that`s the reason I don` t talk to them but I`m just shy(years of teasing will do that o you).
.You have no idea how good that made me feel.
