John Mayer fuc*s & tells

[Kenysha75]

Ladies who make the decision to fuc*on John Mayer should get him to sign a confidenitality agreement before he sticks the tip in. Unless you're okay with him vomiting up all the details to anybody who sticks a tape recorder in his face. And this is exactly what John Mayer did to Playboy (via UsWeekly) about Jessica Simpson's sex skills. According to John, Jessica's vagina should come with a prescription for methadone, because it had him foaming at all three of his mouths. Open up and get ready to gargle with a splash of lukewarm douchewater:

John on Jessica being his drug: "And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just ****ing snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuc* you, I would start selling all my sh*t just to keep fuc*ing you.'"

John on Jennifer Aniston dumping his as* because he is a Tweet-ker: "There was a rumor that I'd been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, 'These are the new rules.'"

John on how many girls he's screwed since Aniston: "I'm going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that's a reasonable number. So is 15. Here's the thing: I get less as* now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don't like jumping through hoops."

John on how he's upping his famewhore game in 2010: "From now on I’m just going to pretend that people really dig the sh*t out of me. I've been trying to prove to people I'm not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That's ****ed up, man. I'm not dating. I'm not even fuc*ing. So now I'm going to experiment with 'fuc* you.' In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever."

A John Mayer interview is like a cheesy dick. You know it's going to be painful, but you still plug your nose and give it a lick because the sl*t in you just can't resist. And once you're done with it, you're left with an awful taste in your mouth that not even Listerine can cure. But John still makes me laugh (Yes, I'll bash myself in the head with the Listerine bottle after I rinse my mouth out).

And you know Papa Joe is going to tape this interview to the wall in front of his favorite toilet. That's his Jess!
dlisted

 

[Kenysha75]

And There's More....

Here's even more Imodium-laced quotes from John Mayer's Playboy interview. John has already said that Jessica Simpson gets an A plus at fuk times and Jennifer Aniston wants to time travel back to 1998. John also talked about how he has a "hood pass" and how his penis is a members of the KKK.

When asked if black women try to get with him, John answered: "I don't think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fucin' David Duke ****. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick."

John should really turn that quote into a jingle.

Playboy wanted to dig further by asking his as* which black women he thinks are hot: "I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She's superhot, and she's also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she'd be like, 'Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.' And you'd be like, 'What? We weren't talking about that.'"

And about that "hood pass," John explained it like this: "Someone asked me the other day, 'What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?' And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a ****er pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, 'We’re full.’

What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s."

Where do we begin? Actually, let's not, because my brain is still stuck on picturing John Nightmayer's penis in a KKK robe. NOT TODAY.
dlisted

 

[lizbabe09]

What a douchebag.

 

[Jenna-maria]

He Is Stupid!

 

[sojou]

Those comments...trying to say shocking/cool/profound things...what a try-hard! He's like the male equivalent of Megan Fox

.

 

[tullepen]

This is disgusting...why did I come here to read it?! men are swine.

 

[lady B]

I knew this would make it to TFS.I knew it ...
Oh John,as much I love you.I can defend you this time .....

 

[Urban Stylin]

Apparently he broke down on stage and apologised for the comments....seems like a nervous breakdown in progress

 

[lady B]

^ Yep !



To be honest,I'm black and as much as think that what he said was more than wrong.I almost cryed.He seems deeply sorry.
​

 

[Decalion]

I'm upset that people think they're offended by this. Nobody seems to possess any ironic sense whatsoever. Now the dude's going self-censor so much in interviews, he'll come across like the more typical dull celebrity.

 

[pacersfanatic36]

I think he's sorry he got called out (nothing more). And, initially, he only acknowledged the racial slur (as if that was the only place where he crossed the line). He didn't apologize for the sexism, homophobia, entitlement, or even the racism. He's just sorry he used one word.

Moreover, he's done stuff like this multiple times over (the stand-up incident, the r*pe jokes, etc.) He's the epitome of the hipster racist/homophobe/sexist who thinks being "ironic" trumps all. I see it all the time.

 

[Kenysha75]

John Mayer's Apology Train Rolls Into Nashville

Yeah, I know your genitals curl up like a scared roly poly every time John Mayer's face pops up on your screen, but let's just get through this last one together because now he's bringing his tears into it. And when John cries Balloon Boy-laced tears, your soul makes a happy face.

So...a vagina's worst enemy already apologized on his Twatter for offending mostly everyone with his words of douchefuc*ery (i.e. white supremacist dick, the n-word, blah, blah blah). But at the end of his show in Nashville last night, the stoner who gives all stoners a bad name launched into another long as* apology to his screaming fans and his band. While the band played on, John announced that he is going to quit the media game and end his "quest to be clever." Clip is below. Instead of his band playing, there should've been a tiny mouse with a tinier violin on stage. Better yet, Keyboard Cat should've played him off as soon as he said "quest to be cle-."

And if John really wanted to prove he's sorry, he should travel around the world and hand everyone a little lesbian as a peace offering (like he is in the picture above). A little lesbian cures everything (okay, okay, I'll admit that my own quest to be clever is like the maiden voyage of the Titanic).
dlisted

 

[advo]

LOL, reading these comments from him just confirms to me that he's a total douche. Of course, I never liked him to begin with, so maybe I'm biased .

 

[IAmLordZen]

Oh John, I don't even know where to begin.

 

[iluvjeisa]

Well, that's pretty good PR for Jessica soon-to-be-gone-from-public-consciousness-like-she-never-existed Simpson.

 

[Harumi]

I love how his apology is basically saying: 'I'm sorry you are too dense to get my vast intellect. I will not bother trying to inspire the witless masses with my brilliant sound-bites anymore."

Why, thank you douchebag! It's the intention that matters.

 

[farou7a]

he really IS a douche.

Look at this!

source:dailymail.co.uk

'Jessica Simpson was like sexual napalm in bed,' reveals John Mayer

After revealing too much about his relationship with Jennifer Aniston, American singer John Mayer is kissing and telling again.

The 32-year-old proves he isn't much of a gentleman - yet again - as he describes his 'crazy' sex life with ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson in a new interview.

Speaking in the March issue of Playboy magazine, he describes Simpson, 29, as 'sexual napalm' in the bedroom.
Jessica Simpson and John Mayer at Poiret: King of Fashion Costume Institute Gala held at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York

Sexual connection: John Mayer, pictured in New York in May 2007, said sex with Jessica Simpson was 'crazy'

Mayer and Simpson dated on and off for 10 months from August 2006 - nine months after her high-profile split from husband and Newlyweds co-star Nick Lachey.

The singer admitted their relationship was sexually charged, describing Simpson as 'a drug'.

He explained: 'And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them... Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.

'Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, "I want to quit my life and just f**king snort you?"'

Mayer's claims about Simpson's bedroom skills will no doubt come as a surprise to her fans after she famously claimed to remain a virgin before she married Lachey in 2002.
Enlarge Jessica simpson Twitter Page

Shock: Jessica Simpson said she was having an 'interesting' day on her Twitter page on Wednesday after Mayer's revelations

After excerpts of the interview with Mayer were published this week, a stunned Simpson wrote on her Twitter page today: 'Interesting day so far... hmm... at least I am boxing two-a-days this week.'

Mayer also addresses his high-profile on/off relationship with Aniston, who he split from last March after a total of nine months together.

Suggesting it was his decision to end their relationship for the second time, he said: 'We just have a regard for each other’s feelings that is pretty intense. It’s been a deep relationship, and it’s no longer taking place at all.

'Have you ever loved somebody, loved her completely, but had to end the relationship for life reasons?'

Suggesting the nine-year age gap between the couple may have been a problem, he elaborated: 'In some ways I wish I could be with her. But I can’t change the fact that I need to be 32...

'But 32 just comes roaring out of me at points when I don’t see it coming. I want to dance. I want to get on an airplane and be like a ninja. I want to be an explorer. I want to be like The Bourne Identity. I don’t want to pet dogs in the kitchen.'

He also admitted he had slept with about 'four or five' women since he split with Aniston last year.
Jennifer Aniston, left, and John Mayer arrive at the 81st Academy Awards Sunday, Feb. 22, 2009

'I need to be 32': Mayer, pictured with Jennifer Aniston at the Oscars last year, wasn't ready to settle down

He added: 'But even if I said 12, that's a reasonable number. So is 15. Here's the thing: I get less a** now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don't like jumping through hoops.'

When Mayer and Aniston first split up in August 2008 after four months together, the singer held an impromptu press conference outside a New York City gym, revealing that he was the one who ended their relationship.

He said: 'Have me as a man who ended a relationship stand here and write some truth.

'Have me stand up for somebody and write that Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I've ever met.

'She's one of the most lovely people I've ever met in my life and I'm going through something that's a very personal thing and you have to give that up...

'There's no lying, there's no cheating. There's no nothing. People are different, they have different chemistry, they have different lives.

'I ended a relationship because there is no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right. I don't waste people's time.'

Despite his public outburst, Aniston forgave him and they reconciled two months later, with her telling Vogue magazine, he wouldn't be talking so publicly about her again.

She said: 'Trust me, you’ll never see that happen again from that man.'

Aniston and Simpson aren't the only famous women Mayer has spilled the beans over - he also discussed his brief relationship with actress Jennifer Love Hewitt.

The couple dated in 2002 and the curvy star was said to have inspired one of his biggest hits, Your Body Is A Wonderland.

The singer discussed their relationship during a stand-up gig in Hollywood four years ago, claiming he never got to have sex with her because she had a bout of food poisoning brought on by some bad fish on their date.

He later apologised, saying: 'It really was me making fun of myself.'

 

[á la Balenciaga]

well, he's ****ing stupid and immature.
this guy is no longer a teenage kid, he's a freaking man
with hairs on his crotch! he needs to grow up. he's lame,
stupid and annoying. i don't even know how some women
find this douchebag attractive? he's so yucky.

 

[MulletProof]

^^ very true, Harumi.

Knowing this is coming from the guy that sang 'your body is a wonderland' and other similar, s*it, supermarket-soundtrack kind of music.. somehow I'm offended.

 

[farou7a]

to be honest, women who have chosen to date him after KNOWING what hes like, ask to be a part of this nonsense too.