I thought this was too funny not to post, it's from perezhilton.com and it is a joke:
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Posted by Brad Pitt:
Hey, It's Brad Pitt here.
You all are too hard on me. This is the way it is:
I was bored with Jennifer Aniston. Real bored. Didn't you see those pictures of us at a restaurant after I finished shooting Troy? I hadn't seen her in weeks. But we had nothing to say to each other.
The spark had gone out of the marriage a long time ago.
Sex with her was boring. She was always working. I want a woman who puts me first. Instead I had a wife who was always working. She said she wanted babies after friends. So I busied myself renovating our house. Didn't you folks hear it took 2 years. I didn't give a S*** about anyone but myself back then. But then even before she had finished Friends she was signing up for movie after movie. Where were my babies man?
The seven year itch started coming on really fast. I was hanging out with my dude George Clooney. He was screwing a different woman every week. It made me think - why am I still with Jen? I love her but I'm bored. I'm trapped. We're America's Sweethearts. I didn't know how I was going to get out of it without looking like a dirtbag.
I signed up for Mr and Mrs Smith. It almost didn't happen. First Nicole was signed to it then backed out. Then the producers wanted Catherine Zeta-Jones but S***, she was too old. Then Angelina came on board. Wow. I'd heard she was crazy but dude, in the flesh she was hot man. I lusted after her from the moment she walked on set. She was flirting with me like hell - check out the shots taken from the set of Mr and Mrs Smith. Jen was working like usual but hell, I wasn't missing her at all. Angelina was the bees knees. So beautiful. And when we did the sex scenes, hell. She was giving 200%. Shame they were cut from the movie because the producers were too afraid to show them. Angie made it clear she could give a man the sexual time of his life. In the meantime Jen and I are down to once a week if that.
Man I was falling with her. After we finished shooting I went to Clooney's place at Como with Jen. But all the time I was thinking about Angelina. And I started thinking - I want out of this marriage. But how am I gonna do it? It could finish me.
Then I thought. How about I portray Jennifer as a career hungry b*tch who doesn't want kids. And look how Angelina does all that humanitarian crap. If I do some of that S*** maybe I'll come up smelling roses in the split. So all I have to do is talk about wanting kids in every interview I do for Ocean's 12 and then people will think I'm leaving Jen because she won't give me any - great idea.
I mean look at Angie. She adopts those kids. Hell she gives them a loving home. I really dig that S***.
In the meantime I've been calling Angelina heaps. I love our conversations but she says I need to leave Jennifer. Life's short and I need to do what makes me happy. I love Jen she still wants to stay married - how do I get out of it. Oh. I'll tell her I'm having a mid-life crisis. I need to find myself. What I really need to do is find Angelina and start F****** her hard. But I won't tell her that.
I go on vacation with Jennifer and Courtney and David and we decide to split. Afterwards I act like the model husband. I throw her a birthday party and we go to some big Hollywood gigs together. I call Angelina and tell her.
Then we do the W shoot - that's when I start F****** her but I've already done it a thousand times in my head. That makes me realise - hell I've done the right thing. I haven't felt like this about Jennifer in years. Man she's hot. And so beautiful. I got tired of looking at Jen's face. Angie and I decide to keep the whole thing hidden. Hell I knew if I got found out the S*** would hit the fan. Can't have that happen man, America loves me.
Then we go for a dirty weekend in Africa. Thought we could get away with it. We thought wrong. Got sprung. Damn.
But my back up plan is this African bullsh*t. Cindy my publicist came up with it. Do an hour long special talking about starving kids. Dramatic things were needed because my image could be finished once people realised that I dumped Jen for Angelina. I went along with it man I love my career. So I go and hold up some starving kids for the cameras. No problem.
Now we're still hiding out but once the divorce is through I'm free as a bird man. And I'm thinking marriage. Maybe I don't need any biological kids? Angie says it's selfish. I bet she's right. I mean I'm in love with her. If she says having biological babies is selfish it is. That was my old selfish way of thinking. Now I want to save the world man. My life has changed. I just want to adopt all those starving babies man. Only selfish people have biological kids.
My parents say I'm not thinking straight. Man I've never felt so good in my entire life. I've got the most desirable woman in the world. Every guy wants to be me. Angelina's wild in the sack. This is great.
I don't think about the fact that she's already been married twice. I'm Brad Pitt for god's sake. The first husband was unknown and the second that old cretin Billy Bob. Man I can hold her. Just keep being nice to the adopted kids that's the key.
Jen isn't talking to me. Well that's to be expected. I've just replaced her hook line and sinker with Angelina anyway who is so much more exciting.
I've never been happier man never. This is great. Leaving Jen was the best thing. But her doing that Vanity Fair interview was nasty man. Plain nasty. How could she sell me out like that. It's not like I'm taking Angelina out on the red carpet or anything. Man, we're being discreet.
I never worry about the people in Hollywood. Man, I'm Brad Pitt and she's Angelina Jolie. They'll kiss our *** man all of them. And as for the public? Easy man. I'll do more of those "save AFrica" tv specials, hold up some starving babies for the cameras. Americans are just F****** stupid. Cindy says they can be manipulated into believing anything. She says don't worry, just do what I say and they still love you. She's right. Cindy can spin anything.
So now I'm sitting pretty. I'm having the best sex of my life. I'm with the hottest woman in the world. I like kids and now I have 2. I just have to hope it works out. Angelina says she wants to be with me forever. I've got it all man. Jennifer is just a distant memory. Can't wait until the divorce comes through. Then Angelina and I will appear in public together - start getting the public used to the idea. THat's what Camilla and Prince Charles did. We'll do that kind of S***. Just like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner did. We'll be ok. I'm a Zen master at this PR S***. And the American public is thick as pigshit. THey can be manipulated into believing anything. Look at what George Bush got away with.
I'm Brad Pitt. I'm huge. I'm the biggest F****** male star in the world. I've got the best looking woman in the world. And I'm invincible.
