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I'm backing John and Edward to win The X Factor. Who's with me?
The twins stop the entire X Factor series from sliding into a long, flat never-ending chunk of inadequacy
Now that it takes up three entire hours of your weekend (not counting ITV2's The Xtra Factor), it's never been clearer that X Factor is less of a talent show and more of a high-level endurance test of your tolerance for mediocrity.
Or at least it would be, were it not for the two shining knights who single-handedly manage to stop the entire series from sliding into a long, flat, never-ending funk of flaccid inadequacy. That's right - I'm talking about the mighty, often Jesuslike, John and Edward. No, really.
This weekend's X Factor saw an almost unprecedented level of hatred pitched towards Irish twins John and Edward Grimes. When it emerged that they'd been saved ahead of desperately anonymous eventual loser Ricky Loney, they were booed offstage by the studio audience while Cheryl Cole deliberately singled them out for abuse. And today I'm here to say enough's enough. It's time for Britain to put its prejudices aside and give John and Edward a chance.
Right now the continued survival of John and Edward might make you genuinely furious, but it's important to remember that the singing sibling duo has long been X Factor's whipping boy of choice. You may remember The MacDonald Brothers, two mind-numbingly dreary, subpar Runrig wannabes who limped to fourth place in 2006 despite a constant haranguing from Simon Cowell. Or Same Difference, the creepy boy-girl duo from 2007 who ended up coming third even though they almost gave Louis Walsh an aneurysm.
Neither of these acts even came close to reaching Jon and Edward's glorious levels of magnificence. They were all too busy telling sad stories about their childhoods to try to win the audience over. But not John and Edward. John and Edward don't have childhoods. They just exist. They were here long before us. And they'll be here long after we've gone. John and Edward are magical.
Also, let's look at Rhydian Roberts - possibly the most talented singer never to win X Factor. Remember how much everyone hated Rhydian at first, just like they hate John and Edward now? Remember how Rhydian had to spend about a month of X Factor live shows bumbling around in fur coats singing ludicrously camp Shirley Bassey and Village People cover versions, just like how John and Edward are being forced to goon around to Robbie Williams and Britney Spears songs now? And then remember how one night – out of absolutely nowhere – Rhydian suddenly sang a version of Somewhere that was so brimming with faultless clarity and beauty that it instantly reduced everyone to a crumpled sobbing wreck? Could John and Edward's Somewhere be just a couple of weeks away? Could it? Yes. Probably not, but yes.
And finally, we shouldn't forget that John & Edward's transcendent performance of Oops ... I Did It Again on Saturday was an all-time X Factor high point. It was utterly majestic. If you want to look at it from a technical level there might have been one or two timing and pitch issues - but it wasn't a performance that should be picked apart on a technical level. It should be spiritually absorbed in one go. And, taken like that, it was life-changing. It was the sort of performance that, if it was projected on to the side of the moon, would stop all global conflict and unite mankind in an instant. Honestly, by the time John and Edward decided to include the song's romantic spoken-word interlude in their performance, you could almost hear the nation's Sky+ boxes simultaneously burst into flames from overuse.
It was perfect. John and Edward are perfect. They're head and shoulders above everyone else on this year's show. The campaign to make John and Edward win X Factor starts here. Who's with me?
Anyone? No?
X Factor? We're terrified! Westlife arrive for rehearsals ahead of live show
Robbie Williams was bug-eyed and sweaty. Whitney Houston lost her dress and struggled to speak. Even the nation's new sweetheart Cheryl Cole has been derided for poor vocals and a ridiculous outfit.
It's fair to say the seasoned performers have not performed brilliantly on this year's X Factor. So it's not surprising that Westlife are a little nervous about their appearance on Sunday night. It's their first gig since getting back together after a year off and they will be showcasing what they have promised is a new sound.
'There is always something a little bit scary about the X Factor stage,' says the band's Mark Feehily. 'It's so huge and you have the judges in front of you. It's like being a teenager at your first audition. It's strange - we've performed some massive gigs and huge TV shows but X Factor always makes me a little bit more nervous than anything else we do.'
Really, Westlife should have nothing to fear. These were the judges, after all, who gave a standing ovation to Britney Spears after her laugh-out-loud bad performance last season. Plus Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell will laud this group to the skies whatever happens; one is their manager, the other works for their record label.
Westlife have already appeared more times than anyone else on the hit ITV show - as performers, mentors and even judges. Simon has also ensured the new single What About Now is already recognisable for X Factor fans by featuring it several times as background music on the show.
Simon is said to have loved the new single so much that he even rushed them on to the X Factor this weekend, although they were originally due to appear in a month's time.
'He went berserk and said it's too big a song - I want to get them on the show as soon as possible,' says Kian Egan.
Such is the power of the X Factor that performances from it have already produced the two biggest selling singles of the year from last year's winner Alexandra Burke and judge Cheryl Cole.
In order to get on to the X Factor gold rush there was a hurried change in release schedules with the band putting the finishing touches to their album just a few hours before flying to Iceland on Monday to shoot the video for the song which will now be released on Sunday.
But perhaps the nerves reveal just how important this comeback gig is.
'Sunday night could determine the next 18 months of our lives,' says Shane Filan, 30. 'It's going to be very important to see how the single charts and then the album. Going on X Factor is like having an album launch in front of 14 million people.'
X Factor twins John and Edward try out different hairstyles as they seek to forge their own identities
Their identity as identical twins won the heart of Louis Walsh - and their place in the X Factor live shows.
But it seems John and Edward Grimes may be attempting to forge individual identities. The blonde 18-year-olds from Dublin stepped out of the X factor house today with noticeably different hair.
One, perhaps John, had flat hair - while the other had stuck to their distinctive spiked hairdo.
The two have consistently been mixed up since joining the show - by their fellow contestants, the judges and fans. But if they continue to wear their hair differently it may soon be possible to tell them apart.
They're not quite there yet, though. Tomorrow the remaining X Factor contestants, including John and Edward, will perform Big Band tracks for their chance to stay in the show.
They have spent this week being mentored by Canadian singing star Michael Bublé. The jazz crooner has given them hints about how to do well in the show.
He previously performed on the X Factor in 2007, when he was impressed by the eventual winner Leon Jackson. Leon later joined Bublé onstage during his concert at Wembley.
But Leon's career has since stalled. He was dropped by his record label and has been eclipsed by the careers of other X Factor winners Leona Lewis and Alexandra Burke.