Paris Hilton: Politically Incorrect
On the high heels of her "Paris for President" video, Ms. Hilton fleshes out her policies. First stop: painting the White House pink.
Hollywood and Washington have much in common: Supersize egos. Juicy scandals. Out-of-control spending. So why not vote for a commander in chief who has tackled all three? Paris Hilton. Following her infamous rebuttal to John McCain's attack ad--which compared Barack Obama to Hilton and Britney Spears--the team behind the Funny or Die video outlines what the blonde would offer America in her first term as president. Herewith, the Hilton doctrine.
Harper's Bazaar: How would you describe your presidential style?
Paris Hilton: I pledge to support the American workforce by wearing only American designers: Calvin Klein between Memorial Day and Labor Day, Donna Karan the rest of the year. Unless I wake up and the day is screaming for me to put on a bikini for my fellow Americans. Country first.
HB: Who will be your vice president?
PH: Rihanna, of course. She's hot.
HB:How do you intend to redecorate the White House?
PH: In these trying economic times, I believe the White House should have a minimalist touch: open floor plan, glass and steel, throw pillows, and an infinity pool.
HB: What are your entertaining plans?
PH: The inaugural balls will be replaced with an inaugural Rock Band party. For expert-level players only. Don't even think about getting on drums. I play drums.
HB: Please summarize your presidential platform.
PH: I will carry out a foreign-policy platform that will transform America’s role in the world to that of a proactive, not reactive, superpower that will use diplomacy and incentives to head off trouble in unstable regions before they unravel out of control. I will also be wearing platform shoes when I meet with foreign dignitaries to accentuate my well-toned calves.
HB: Who will you appoint to your cabinet posts?
PH: I won’t have a cabinet; I will have a closet. A giant walk-in closet with all styles of advisers, like Michael Kors, Kanye West, Diane von Furstenberg, Naughty by Nature, Stephen Hawking, Madonna, Karl Lagerfeld, and, of course, Tinkerbell.
HB: Who will you invite to stay overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom?
PH: I want to put an end to only large financial contributors, lobbyists, inside-the-Beltway fat cats, and corporate bigwigs getting to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom. I will keep that room open only for people for whom it is too late to drive after attending one of my secret-underground-bunker-after-hours parties.
HB: Do you have any fashion advice for Sarah Palin?
PH: My advice to Sarah Palin is, you’ve got a hot bod; don’t keep it to yourself. Why wear a pantsuit when you can wear a swimsuit? Welcome to the Lower 48, girlfriend.
But i can not staaand her now.
I think I just died from cheeseball poisoning...
