Don't Mess With Uncle Jesse

[Kenysha75]

This afternoon in a courtroom in Michigan, a jury foreperson (imagine Stephanie Tanner in an oversized business suit from Dress Barn) looked at Allison Coss and Scott Sippola and screamed "HOW ROOD" at them! Allison and Scott were both found guilty of conspiracy and using e-mail to threaten a person's reputation. Be right back. I must go e-mail a "just kidding" note to my ex-boyfriends, a few of my cousins, CHERYL BURKE, and a certain b*tch who still hasn't returned my bootleg Beverly Hills Teens DVD.

I'm back. So Allison and Scott were arrested in an FBI sting operation last December after John Stamos accused them of trying to extort $680,000 from him in exchange for a few pictures of him doing coke with a bunch of strippers in Florida. Allison, who was 17 at the time, also alleged that John bought her a cocktail and offered her Uncle Jesse's eat out special. John testified in court that although he did hang out with Allison and a few others, he never offered to go down on her. John also denied doing a line of coke off a stripper's labia.

After the verdict was read, John told reporters outside of the courthouse: "These slanderous allegations to smear my reputation were part of their defense to redirect attention away from the federal crime of extortion. There was no hot tub, no drugs, no nudity and nothing sexual in nature involved in my friendship with this woman. They lied about everything."

The FBI never found the supposed pictures.

Allison and Scott face up to 5 years in the clink. Or they can serve their punishment by watching the first season of Full House without commercial breaks or mind-altering drugs. Something tells me they will choose the 5 years in the clink.
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[Kenysha75]

You're In Big Trouble, Mister!

Remember that very special episode of Full House where Uncle Jesse picked up a 17-year-old girl in a club, brought her back to his attic and then tried to get her coked up before offering to lick her cooch? Then Stephanie Tanner walked in on them and screamed "HOW RUDE"? Later, Danny had to sit Stephanie down and explain to her that sometimes when a grown man falls in love with a teenager, he shows that he cares by giving her illegal substances and offers of cunnilingus (laugh track goes here). Remember that? I'm sure your nana has that episode recorded on a VHS tape somewhere.

Well, the Associated Press is reporting that a woman is claiming that this mess actually happened in a hotel room in Florida back in 2004. The woman and a dude are on trial in Michigan for allegedly attempting to extort $680,000 out of John Stamos in exchange for pictures of him doing coke with a bunch of strippers. HAVE MERCY!

Allison Coss claims that when she was a 17-year-old high school student, she met John at a club in Orlando while she was on spring break. Even though Allison told John she was only 17, he still bought her a cocktail and invited her and one of her friends back to his hotel room. Allison claims that shortly after they got to his room, a couple of strippers showed up with a bag of the bad shi*. Allison watched John do a few lines with the puss* peddlers. After that, John and Allison made out on the bed for a bit before getting into the hot tub. John got fully nekkid and asked if he could suck on Allison's illegal vagina. Allison turned John down, which caused him to jump out of the hot tub and break off a bedpost in frustration (that's not a euphemism). John apologized to Allison and asked her to stay the night, which she did.

For the next few years, Allison and John flirted with each other through e-mails. John then began to receive a series of emails from Allison (pretending to be someone else) threatening to sell a bunch of compromising pictures of him to the tabloids if he doesn't pay up. John contacted the FBI who confirmed that the emails came from Allison and a dude named Scott Sippola. They were both charged with extortion and the trial is going down right now. John is expected to testify.

The FBI says they never found proof that pictures of John with the strippers existed. John also denies the entire story and says it is made of lies. Basically, it sounds like Allison's extortion plan crashed into the Tanner family kitchen.

I don't have a vagina (check my file at the free clinic if you don't believe me), but if Uncle Jesse offered to eat it, I'd tuck my shi* tighter than Gaga at the gynecologist. And more importantly, where was Kimmy Gibbler in all of this?! She was one of the strippers Uncle Jesse did a line off, right?
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